rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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