this beer tastes like vomit already
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
