checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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