Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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