She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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