Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
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How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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