I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
