defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
