my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
