Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
