too bad you live with your parents still
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
