Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
