Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
