Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
