Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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