i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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