The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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