It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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