Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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