So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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