whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
