Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
