my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
