I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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