i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
