Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
