My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
