Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
