Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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