I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
