Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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