There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
