Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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