I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
