foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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