Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize