Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
