; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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