hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
