my phone needs a breathalizer
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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