sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
