just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
