no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
