Your dad touched me again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
