grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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