Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
