I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
