we have officially lost it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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