just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
