I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
