1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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