Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
