planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
