how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You ate ashes out of my bong
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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