Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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