If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
